Take "IN" the Trash

razor schrieb:

Since there is no avenue for writing articles, I will write mine on the message boards.

First of all, Jason, uh, you spelled Morons wrong I hate to tell you. Actually not a bad name but the jersey has got to go. Can' any of you come up with an origianl picture?

Lol, while I'm honored you decided to pick on me first. I don't think an old man like yourself should get so worked up. You're in this for the long run, remember? lol

And secondly. No worries about my team logo, that's just a placeholder.

Although I must admit, I LOVE your avatar on the boards

When you posted that "lovely" picture of Charlize Theron, you had mentioned her as being in Monster's Ball. The name of the film was actually Monster. But I don't mind the reference to another hottie....Halle Berry. purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

You just started my morning, Thanks Cub Master...may the force be with you.


https://2img.net/r/ihimizer/img260/179/halleberrysexyphotozy6.jpg

that I am the oldest member of this league. Not that I mind being the oldest. Damn, someone's got to be. They say it's only a number, although, now that I am approaching fifty, I think it's time to buy that convertible. Midlife crisis anyone? Isn't that a song by Faith No More?

I can't wait to see who the new member of the league is going to be!

Maybe we should start the "PROSPECTS DRAFT" earlier than anticipated. I am not worried about myself being involved, but we should have some sort of commitment by everyone to try and get this done as quickly, and painless, as possible. It's only 5 rounds for pete's sake. Nobody named Pete in here is there? Don't want anyone else to cry and run off because I picked on them. Maybe there should be a mental stability test. Wait, scratch that idea(Phew!!!, almost got myself caught-LOL).

So, for this post anyway, I did not pick on or trash talk anyone. I thought I would give everyone a break today and catch their breaths.

Have a wonderful day and remember...it's how you made someone feel that will leave a lasting impression, more than what you said.

What a life you live my man. Cleaning toilets! Now there's a name for your team! I just envy you and if you write PD one more time, I might just explode! At least it wasn't PE!

I don't know how my wife would take this new crush that you have me. I mean it's bad enough hockey season is upon us and she won't see me for the next 9 months, but hey, she knew what she was getting into. It's probably a good thing that you are in Switzerland and not closer like, Canada, eh?

As far as Nagy and Emery are concerned, this is an NHL fantasy league, correct? LOL I can't believe that you( and others) talk so freely about who you covet(big word I know). I would never divulge any analysis or ideas or strategy to potential opponents(didn't want to use the word "enemies". Not yet anyway. Might as well wait until everyone gets to know me first).

talk to you cats later!

Hey Keegan im not at all into trash talk and i am sorry if you thought that is what i was trying to stir up. I personally do want to get into a debate about our fav teams it's pointless.
So good luck to you and your team but not to much. GO FLAMES GO.

Well, I'll try this note again.

Arthur Tigers - A hockey and lacrosse club founded in Arthur, Ontario in 1904. (Did those Detroit boys name their team after ours?) I was (hockey) Pres VP or Past Pres for 13 years, Manager for 13 years, player... waterboy... fundraiser... laundry... Sr. Mens Hockey. We had a budget of about $70,000 the year we folded. I believe the lacrosse and hockey teams shared a nickname in the early years because the town was too damn poor to afford two nicknames. The Jr. team upgraded to Beehives when the corn syrup company gave them a set of sweaters in the 30's. Speaking of fancy names... Ray from Middle Village, New York. Sounds like they were too poor to afford a name too!

I'm rather pleased not to be the 'old boy' in the league, 43 for another few months. I've been the old boy in my other pool all 15 seasons!

Motley - defined as "mingled of various colours". Crew - defined as "a ship's company". Hmmm. Bad news Razor, we freeze the water to play hockey! Wasn't there a band back in the 80's that sounded like they were being eaten by a bunch of Tigers?

Me and my Assistant GM - Red - are looking to have some new fun! He's my son. At the moment it looks like his best inheritance will be... my hockey pool teams, so you buggers better be nice to us!

Talk to you all soon!

SCOOP

I have been on a mission this morning to try and figure out what you have in store for us on draft day. What kind of bombshell is he going to drop on us. What could his new name be?

Stuck Inside of Mobile With the Memphis Blues Again seems a bit too long for a team name so that's out. Just Like A Woman is too obvious. I personally believe it should be Girl From the North Country but I have narrowed my choices down to two; Masters of War or Hurricane.

How I do Boss?

about the large pic.

Motley Crue schrieb:

Hey Keegan im not at all into trash talk and i am sorry if you thought that is what i was trying to stir up. I personally do want to get into a debate about our fav teams it's pointless.
So good luck to you and your team but not to much. GO FLAMES GO.

No problem Crue - I was not offended just didn't want to offend is all.
*laughs* debates about fave teams can be pretty amusing though - it is interesting seeing fanatacism at work
Good luck to you as well. GOILERS! <-- Ha! (Heard so many people yell this during the 06 run - hilarious

The reason why no one has heard from me in the last few weeks is because I was on my annual trek to Tibet to seek the Dalai Lama's wisdom. Every year I journey across the lands to obtain his holiness' insight as to how the upcoming fantasy hockey season will be. Accompanied by my trusty Speed Racer blanket that I have had since I was 6(1966 for those who need to know), and my Score magazine, I headed up the mountain. After 10 days I finally reached the summit, where the Dalai Lama was taking his daily 4 hour afternoon nap. Upon his wakening, he greeted me with his usual warmness and knowing what was on my mind, and wanting to get rid of me( I think he had more pressing things on his mind---go figure--pfffft) he proceeded to let me know the thoughts that came across his mind.

Without internet service or fantasy hockey magazines, the Lama predicted that a North American will win the inaugural championship. Wow, he blew me away with that. He also told me that beware of the Butcher. I was clueless as to what he meant by that. Was I to stay away from red meat? Then it dawned on me that the Butcher was none other than our very own Butch! I can hear the loud gasp from here, I know, shocking isn't it? He believes that The Butcher will be a force to be reckoned with for years to come. He will start out a little timid but his ferocity will build and build until nothing is left in his wake. Note taken. (eyes rolling!)

He also predicted that The Scratchy voiced one will be annoying but won't be a factor. Since we don't actually talk to one another, I was wondering what he was getting at. Then it hit me like a sledgehammer from Itchy in the Itchy and Scratchy show. He has good goaltending but not enough to be considered a threat. I guess we won't have to worry about yodelling, eh Greg?

He then began to feel a bit queasy. He said he felt a presence. An Omnipresence. it was like the dark side. He couldn't control it. It was taking over his mind. The Lama had no defense from this mind meld, just like Keegan has no defense for this league. Another team with good goaltending but not much else. Go ahead, use your mind tricks on the weaker competition, but it won't work on me. What was I talking about again? Oh yeah, anyone going to the Star Wars marathon at the cinema this weekend?

After a quick 2 hour nap, Dalai, he said I can call him Dolly for short, predicted that he sees the letter O. It was a big letter O. Then he saw a picture of a star, many stars. I thought that maybe he saw someone with a concussion. Oh no, someone gave someone else an orgasm and a concussion at the same time. Oh my god! That's horrible I thought. Then I realized that the O was Ovechkin and the stars were what Matt's dreams on for his fantasy team to be competitive. he will be competitive because of his O, but might end up a little short in the end.

Dolly switched gears and started telling me about how the characters from the show Seinfeld were suppose to come and visit him but never arrived. He told me how much he had looked forward to meeting them, how they made him laugh all the time, but since they never showed up, he wished them all a life of mediocrity. Oh well, using a phony architect's name means you are destined to create a phony fantasy hockey team as well.

He envisoned a kid. And red. That could only mean one thing. I think I'm getting the hang of this Dalai Lama thing. Sid the Kid and the rest of the Storm will be lighting the lamp with such regularity that they will be one of the top teams this year. How could that be your holiness? Haven't I been a good boy and done good deeds? Why should Brandon have this fortune? Dolly just smiled and spoke softly these words, "Be careful what you wish for". What the hell does he mean by that? Then I started daydreaming about Charlize.....................

Dolly, having snapped me out of my trance(damn, he couldn't have waited another 2 minutes!), told me of a boy who once was standing in front of greatness and how he stared wide-eyed at this great man and wondered what it would be like to be him. I knew he was talking about me now and how when I was a little boy I had this stupid look on my face, like I do now, and standing next to John Holmes, not realizing who it was, being that I was only 8 years old at the time. Dolly snapped me out of my trance again and said I better wake up and smell the coffee or I will be left in the dust or kicked down the side of the mountain. He called me a fool and said he was talking about Red and his father. He told me that no matter that their team is lousy, the team they have of themselves will last forever. I started to cry and then realized that the Dolly was eating a raw onion. Bastard!

Dolly began to ask me about my taxes. What the fuck!?!? Asking me about loopholes, told me he wasn't joking. I began to wonder what does he have to worry about taxes for. Then it dawned on me like that bad odor when you open the refrigerator. He must've been talking about Jay and his non-Americans. Another top 3 team this year. Bummer!

His holiness said his head was hurting now. That it was a sharp pain. I guess listening to Motley Crue for 3 hours with headphones on will do that to you. Is that what is going to happen this year. Are we all going to get headaches from listening to Motley Crue. Oh no! Please help me.

Dolly informed me that my time was up. I can't believe how time flies when your trying to figure out what the hell he is trying to say. "But wait! What about my team?" I asked. He told me to review his message and that I will find the answer. Doesn't he know that I hate riddles. I'm not smart enough to figure them out. Oh well. I guess I'll never know where my team will fare this year.

Reluctantly, I turned to walk down Catskill mountain. At the bottom of the mountain was a mailbox with the name Dali Lamas on it. Could I have gone to the wrong mountain? the wrong guy? As I was standing there, a woman drove by in a Ford Taurus and splashed me as she drove over a puddle. She screamed at me to get the fuck off her property or her husband will blow me away with his shotgun.

Glad to have the day behind me, I headed home knowing that Charlize will be there and that the regular NHL season will begin in less than 24 hours. Now, where the hell is that Greyhound bus?

Congrats on that story, lol.

First off it should be noted what a huge fan I am of the Dalai Lama. I have read a few of his books and hope highly that I will get to see him speak some day. However if I am to offer any advice to him I would say that he should not quit his day job to try and live off his fantasy hockey earnings cause I am sure he would earn more as a monk.
Beyond that your story an amusing tale with a few unfortunate miss-steps along the way (example: " Another team with good goaltending but not much else.")
However I do not blame you Ray for being misguided by the words told to you by a man greater then most nor for the way the high altitude affected your hazy contemplations of our league.

Thanks as always for the laughs.

For those that are impatient here is the forecast for the season according to Wizz Ehlott.

Schumachers Cubs 377
Fitzy's Stars 336
Soo Storm 333
Vandelay Industries 326
Motley Crew 317
Montreal Maroons 314
Desolation Row 299
Mr. Jonium's 297
Omnipresence 294
Arthur Tigers 285

Wizz Ehlott is the wisest of all the wise Hillbilly's in Arthur. His real name isn't Wizz, but he's been Wizz for so long that no one knows his real name. He was destined for the name for so many reasons. He says he picked up the tag in Primer School because he always had straight A's. That's a pretty uncommon Hillbilly. I've also heard that he's always had a weak bladder. I believe that part of the story too. Wizz is so old that he is the only person in Arthur who knew the founding fathers. He's about 4' 10" and 120 pounds of wrinkles & and bone, fully dressed and soaking wet. When he's soaking wet, he doesn't smell so great. He's got one of those long thin faces with a chinful of whiskers and about three pounds of nose and ears. Wizz talks slow, so you best be patient when you want his advice.

I showed him our hockey pool recently. He started with the prototypical, "Tings aven't ben de same since Eddie Shore r'tired. Dat wuz hockey. Foster sure was a hell'n a lot bettr'n dose crazy guys ye watch t'day. I liked dose Richard boys, but dey didn't hold a candle to Eddie Shore. Dey ne'er should'a let dem damn goalies where masks. Jake de Snake ruined the damn game. Den dat damn Hull kid started hittin' dem damn pucks. Should'a ben giv'n 'im penalties for high stick'n. De game's a disgrace t'day. Le'me see yer team.

Wizz has his own special bar stool, nearest to the bathroom. He has a special spot in the bathroom too. Right at the head of the trough, before it pours into the bucket. It's the lowest spot on the trough, but he still needs a block to stand on. He's got some great stories about the stuff he's seen floating past. You find him on the stool at Upchuck Snorris' every day from opening time to closing time. He's got a special 36 ounce mug. Upchuk got it for him, so no one else would ever risk touching his glass. We tried to get him to eat once, but that didn't work out so well. A hell of a mess. Some people say he's got a 60 pound liver. Most likely he weighs about 20 pounds and the sclerosis' on his liver weigh about 100. He's clearly a fixture at Upchuck Snorris'. He campaigns vigorously to abolish civic holidays. "Wat'n hellers a feller s'pose ta do wid hisself all day? All'n me rel'tives died off back'n the twennys 'n tirdy's. Ne'er bin married. Almose once, but she drank too much." (That thought scares me.)

So I pulled out the pool sheets and he started to review.

"Well'n dis har feller, peers be havin' a bad time. Dezlation Row. Dezlation Row, burnt down back in '27. Jizz as good. Bunchuna bad fellers lived down dere anystways. Me jezzobell lived down there. We had some good times." Wizz paused and read the sheets carefully for a while then said, "Two nindy nine, or der 'bouts". (299)

"Fitzsy Stars. Doc was tellin' me thar a whilst back'n how they got medcin fer fits now. An ole pal oh mine, 'Yappy' used to hab
de fits. He bit'n his damn tongue off'n one night. He ne'er said nut'in after dat. I tink he died in bout '24. Poor baztard, ne'er saw Eddie Shore play." Wizz paused and after studying the sheets for a while said, "Tree tirdy six." (336)

"Dis poor bugger named his team after his woman," Wizz said, pointing out "Soo Storm". After a while he announced "Tree tirdy tree." (333) "Ilya, Ville, Andrej, Philippe. Ne'er understood dem teams wiss a bunch oh women. Bad fighters, but once'na while one oh em s'prises yah." Then Wizz got up and went for a leak.

Wizz waved for a refill of his Hillybilly Hooch as he toddered back to his stool. Then crawled back into his chair.

"MONTREAL MAROONS. Damn God Damn baztards. Who'n hell'd rezreck dem no good fer nothin dirty SHITS? Christ dat puts my heart upin. Dat God damn Red Dutton played fer dem baztards. Dirtiest baztard evren played de damn game. Dey wuz alwizz a dirty bunch. Punch Broadbent, Nels Stewart, Babe Siebert, Reg Noble - dirty, dirty, dirty baztards. Mose'n dose guys played en de 20's." He read for a while then announced, "Tree hunner 'n ferteen" (314) "Look't diz poor kid. 'Gil Oh Me 10 Drezzes'. (Guilliame Latendresse)
His damn modder wuz a crook. Stealing dresses. Poor kid carryin' dat burden his whole life. Typ'cal o'dose God damn Maroons."

"'Schumacher Cubs' dats a damned bazeball outfit," Wizz chortled. "Some good names doe. I know Wideman's and Martin's. Good Menn'nite families. Dr. Russell uze look after de Arthur Beehives. Dey were perty snappy back 'n '38. Sammy Green, you know him, played for dem. He wuz a whipp'r snapp'r back den. Hmmmm. Tree sebny seben." (377) "Humph. Tole ya dey wuz a bazeball outfit. Fernandez plays fer dem."

"Well. Tis time fer me nap," Wizz announced. "Cmon back t'night and I'll finish assessin' dis ting fer yee." He put his head down on the bar and was out in a moment. He'd had his morning ration of Hillbilly Hooch. Four mugs. That knocks down most men for a week or more.

After supper I wandered back on down to Upchuck's. The hootin' had started, so you knew evening was upon the town. When I stepped in the band had started up. Monday night, I knew that would be the case. Well, every night that's the case. The Hillbilly's get a couple snorts for playing, so there's always a few lined up to take a turn. A couple of banjo's, somebody on the washtub, three sets of spoons. It looked like it'd be a good night tonight.

Wizz was back up and at it. "Takin' 'er easy tonight. I'm mixin wit water," he announced to me.

"Omnipresence. Yeah me brodders great granson had an Omni. T'were a presence fer him gittin' to College. I tink ee took bar'ten'in in College. Why'd ee name iz team after a louzy car? I see ee's got Brodeur. Dat's nice. Not good as Hainswor't, but a perdy good tender. Morrow kidz perdy tuff. De udder guys is soft. Two ninedy four (294). Doze damn Omni's wa'n't no damn good. Wouldn' eben mak'r up'n de paf from Fergus."

"Vandelay" dats what'n dat damn mouse said on de cartoons. Vandelay, vandelay, Eebaaaa, Eebaaaa. Fast Mouse. No Speedy Mouse. What'n heller wuz de name oh dat mouse?"

"Speedy Gonzalez", I replied.

"Dats it. What'n hell'r would a feller name a hockey team fer dat mouse fer? Mikko Koivu. Who'd be wantin' Saku's liddle brodder? Saku's 'bout fibe foot nottin. His liddle brodder. Chrise, dat muss'n make him butt'n 'bout fer feet tall. Eben da Pocket Rocket was bigger'n dat." (He wasn't listening to me telling him that Mikko's full height). "Dat Ozzzzgoood kid. He plays net fer dem damn Wings. Ra-flask-y too. Raflaski mus be a damn drunk wid a name like dat. No good I tell yah. No good bein' a drunk an' tryin' play hockey. Here's anodder liddle guy, St. Louis. Bad town to be named affer. Chrise he's gotten Liddle on his team too. Too damn small this team. Uh, Tree twenny six (326). Maybe not too bad."

Wizz drained his drink and slithered off his bar stool. He disappeared into the washroom again, for some 15 minutes. Finally he returned an barked 'bartenner'. In short order Upchuck had him setup again.

"Mr. Jonium's? Is dat a flower? Nah, 'dis ain't no good. No good. No good at all. Kin yeh hear poor Foster tryin' say Kiprsaves de Golli-golli de Ch, ch, ch - ee chooo! de Kron... NO DEM DAMN GERMANS ain't gettin' me! I wuz at Vimee yah know. Helln' long boat ride. Cypress. All'n dose baddles back in the War. First damn war. Dis is no good at all. Git me ma gun! GIT ME MA GUN!

Upchuck stepped over and slapped Wizz upside the head, knocking Wizz off his stool and Wizz's false teeth clear across the room. "Git control Wizz. Git control," screamed Upchuck. "None oh dat shit in here t'night."

Wizz wriggled around on the floor for a minute or two, then staggered across the room. He picked his teeth out of the dirt, slapped them in his hand and popped them back in his mouth. When he got back he said, "Used be a sight when'en Upchuck'd slap Blinkey upsiden de head like dat and his false eye'd roll cross'n de room. Yer hockey pool, yer hockey pool. Tellya, hockey's not what'n t'uze da be. No not de same since Eddie Shore r'tir'd. Shit, he's got a kid he named Boyle on dis team. Boyle's is nassy. Had'n one on me butt. Damn it hurt. Damn." He was quiet for a while then announced "Two ninedy seben." (297)

"Motley Crew". Does dat mean dey dress nice or dress lik'n shit? He's gottn' Robbie Burns son. Should be ah-right den. Kun-tz. What'n heller kinna name dat be? Man can't hab a name like dat. Jeez. Drury. I tink he's perdy good. De kidz round here says dey like dat Lecabaleer kid. Get'em inna corner wid Shore. He'd be cryin'. Mmmm hmmmmm. Mmmm hmmmm." Then Wizz was quiet. I peaked under his hat, he'd fallen asleep. I gave him a shake. He came to with a snort and grabbed his drink. He soaked up about 15 ounces. Wadda ya want?"

"What do you think of this team Wizz?" He looked at the page for a while and finally said "Tree sebenteen." (317)

I finally handed him my page. "Arthur Tigers" at least your got a good name. Where'n hell are Ken Riley, Garnet Rooney, Scott McCulloch. Hell. Yah ain't got nobody from dat team in '38. Dat was de best damn team eber yah know. Well, peers yah tried hard. Sakic's ah right. Didn' Blake & Brind-eh-moor play fer Can-da der a whilst back? Dats 'bout it doe. Wacha' tinkin?....... Ah yah, Needmare. He'd awright too. Now, lemme see. Two hunner and eh-dee fibe. (285). Got some work'n ta do I tink."

"That's it Wizz. You checked em all out. Thanks!", I said.

"Good ting, I gotta go fer a leak." He slithered off his stool and trundled towards the bathroom.

So I analyzed his results.

Schumachers Cubs 377
Fitzy's Stars 336
Soo Storm 333
Vandelay Industries 326
Motley Crew 317
Montreal Maroons 314
Desolation Row 299
Mr. Jonium's 297
Omnipresence 294
Arthur Tigers 285

Finally Wizz came back.

"Wizz", I said. "I don't understand the results. I got the Tigers rated nearer the top of the pile.... well nothing like you've got. What's the secret to your forecasting?"

"Welln' son," Wizz said. "I counned dose pages berry carefle. I counned and counned. Ebery lass ledder in dere names. Dose are de results, lik'n it or no. Tole you I wuz good in Primer School. Top'n matt student fibe year runnin. Class oh '05 de '10. Dats why'n dey call me da "Wizz" yah know! Dose are de results. Yall do bedder next time son, bedder next time."

Wizz soaked up the other 15 ounces of Hillbilly Hooch in the bottom of his glass. His head hit the counter about the same time as the glass. The bartender grabbed a bucket and placed it over his head to drowned out the snoring.

As I strolled out the door of Upchuck Snorris' I contemplated Wizz's theory. He counts the letters in their names.

Wow! That's quite the story Scoop. Wizz has the Fitzsy Stars near the top of the list, so I have to agree that he's quite the prognosticator....

Next year I'm drafting guys like Langenbrunner, Khabibulin, Bouwmeester, Afinogenov, etc.

It's a good thing I took that Hillbilly Language Course 101 in college. I knew it would come in handy someday.

Ain't dat dem thar da troot!

Yeeeehaw!

Now I know why the Dalai was not his usual jovial self when I last visited. Apparently he had a gallstone and had surgery performed yesterday, the 9th. Whew, now I don't feel so bad about what he said about all your teams. Clearly he was out of sorts.


Also, it seems that Charlize will be light on pocket change as she is being sued by watchmaker Raymond Weil(no relation) for not following the agreement to wear their watches exclusively. It seems she was caught wearing the Minnie Mouse watch I got her as a souvenir from DisneyWorld. The last thing I would be looking at was what watch Charlize was wearing. Idiots!

I think that Matt and the Mrs. are absconding with "ALL" the league's money and blowing it on some week-long spa trip.

Seems that Jay got home safe from his so-called "business" trip to New York City this week. I hope he didn't go home with anything "extra". If you see anything suspicious pop up on your body, I would get that checked out right away.

If me and some of my buddies head up to Toronto in January, anyone up for meeting? Don't worry, I'll be handcuffed and shackled the whole time.

Hey Razor,

When are you going to be in Toronto? My mom lives in Kitchener and my in-laws live in Guelph, so we're ususally out there 2-3 times every year.

If we can connect time-wise, it would be very cool to meet you.

Cheers,
Matt

Early stages of planning but will hopefully know soon. I will let you know.

Sounds good. Hopefully we can work something out.

Wizz reports a new potential first overall pick for the draft next season

Pierre-Luc Letourneau-LeBlond

For some incredibly strange reason, I feel like this league has become refreshed. AAAAAAAAHHH! Breathing free and easy. It's like something has been lifted or removed. A polyp surgically removed. A hemorrhoid abated by applying the necessary ointment. Like the rain washing away the stench from a month-long sanitation collector's strike in the middle of summer. Yes, that's the one that I feel closely resembles how I am feeling today. The garbage has been taking out. The trash has been removed. The league is taking it's life form. It has begun to breathe. It will be what it is meant to be. A great league with great members. Things have a way of working out for the best. What is meant to be will be. In the early stages of our league development, there were questions that we all had. How will the league sustain itself? Will the members stay? What will the league do if someone leaves? I think we just got all the answers now. THE LEAGUE IS HERE TO STAY! The league will be what it is meant to be, what we all want it to be. And you want to know how I know this? I will tell you why. Because Charlize says so. It's because I know deep down I have that feeling that says it will. I can tell just by the message boards and the e-mails I get from each and every one of you. I just know. I know this really isn't so-called "trash-talking", but it is talking about taking out the trash and I am glad the co-commissioners are doing their chores. Time to dry the dishes because Charlize says so.

Well put, Razor.

And thanks for the vote of confidence in the commissioners.