Poolies,
It has been learned from reliable sources that Sidney Crosby is a very ugly woman.
Evgeni Malkin has been taking ballet lessons and will be making an announcement to the world that he is changing careers. His new agent is Deon Sanders.
Alexander Ovechkin has been diagnosed with a bad case of Avian Bird flu. He will be out 6-8 years.
Roberto Luongo has decided to take the Italian league by storm. I think he's in co-hoots with those Pisani & Stortini kids. He will be citing the 'Radulov Rule' when his court case comes. His new contract calls for a case of pepperoni every week.
Danielle Heatley, Jaromina Iginla, Nicolette Lidstrom are frauds.
Big Joe Thornton & Zdeno Chara have joined the Ringling Brothers circus. They were looking for a new stilt men. Also joining Ringling is Scott Neidermayer as a 'disappearing man'.
Dion Phaneuf has joined Kleenex. They figure with a name like Phaneuf, they won't be able to find a better spokesperson. Besides that he has a great big honker.
Stay tuned. Reports are coming in by the hour now.
SCOOP
